I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
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Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive