Britain be like
You Might Also Like
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion