nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
You Might Also Like
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
My safe word is Worcestershire
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Don’t tell me what to do
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”