Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
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Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Brb my Sims are getting married
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”