Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
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Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.