ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
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I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.