I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
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They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
*has no idea what a book even is*
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”