Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
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“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
What a year we’ve had this week.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.