“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
You Might Also Like
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
live long and prosper!
#oldknees
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Batman v Dracula
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it