Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
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Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
next question.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.