Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
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DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Doggies just call it style.
Stick it to the man
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.