I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
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In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*