Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
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I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
What a chick magnet..
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…