Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
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Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life