SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
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If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
WHY?!
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.