I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
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Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Well. That’s not a good sign.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Me sliding into hell like
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies