[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
You Might Also Like
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
if a cop pulls u over play dead
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
The 4 stages of a family vacation