Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
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Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?