Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
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“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Not all heroes wear capes…
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.