“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
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To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.