TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
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“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Hot hot hot 🥵
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now