The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
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[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur