If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
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[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
My favorite farside!!
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Labreador
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
I feel it
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway