nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
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My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
new shirt idea
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.