What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
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Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
the simulation is moving too fast
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
how long have you had this for?
The 6 types of sex
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry