I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
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Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
you gotta be faster
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]