“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
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“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.