I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
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I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.