I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
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*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
You sure about that?
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out