Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
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after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
if a cop pulls u over play dead
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.