{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
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*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?