For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
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A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Banana is the quietest snack
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Peace was never an option
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
dude it’s called proctologist
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV