My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
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Just me and my debit card against the world
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
I am having an out of money experience.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins