Meanwhile in Portland…
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*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.