A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
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I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
it must be school picture day
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people