The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
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Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
This could be us… but you playing
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG: