There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
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I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
u guys got any snacks onboard here
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.