I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
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Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Tremendous stuff
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…