Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
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Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Damn what did I do next
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard