WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
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GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi