scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
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I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Lassie, get help!
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.