Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
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Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.