WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
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Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
If only.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.