20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
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Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats