DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
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#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.