dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
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TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
I can fix him.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.