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Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.