Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
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Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
this is the best day of my life
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries