[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
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My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
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10. He is a cat.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.