Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
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My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Nose
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.